Hi, Pain –
This isn’t what I expected. This isn’t what I planned for. You’re here so much more than I imagined because you filled in the spaces that others left vacant. I never thought my life would look like this. And I’m tired of people telling me to create a new picture of happiness. I painted that image once before. I don’t have the energy to start over and I already used up all my favorite colors. For once, can someone else make art out of this mess?
Hi, Pain –
I had to say a different kind of goodbye recently. One I anticipated and yet it still arrived so suddenly and without enough warning. The creaking of the empty pew and your shadowy presence were all that accompanied my mournful tears that day. No words of affection. No comforting arm around my shaking shoulders. Only Sadness sat beside me with Anger close behind. An elemental part of my past self is forever buried with her now and I can’t help but smolder and assign blame because anyone who meets a future me will never know it. Not truly. Not firsthand. Grainy photographs and well-worn memories are not sufficient substitutes for taking a seat at the table that so lovingly crafted who I became. If you don’t know me currently, you’ll never know me completely.
Hi, Pain –
Are your bags packed? We’re going on an adventure! At first I didn’t know if I was taking this trip because of you or in spite of you. Either way, I had hoped this international escapade was going to be an escape from you for a little bit. Now I know you’ll be with me every step of the way. You’ll be the only one with me. My excitement about my first solo travel experience has given way to the realization that all it means is I won’t have someone to share it with. “Solo” is really just a rebranding of “alone.”
.chasing bluebirds. 