I’ve been unexpectedly quiet lately. I mean strictly in a writing sense – internally I’ve been screaming since mid-March. These past two and a half months have been a roller coaster of emotion and, let me tell ya, I don’t do rides! But for as much as quarantine has made me question almost every aspect of myself – not the least of which being my anger management capabilities – I feel undeniably more conflicted and stressed about the looming reopening than I ever did about lockdown. I’d like to say it is because I’m anxious about what returning to the world means for everyone’s health and safety. Of course that is a legitimate concern of mine, but my current set of negative feelings actually stem from a much more selfish place.

I still have four songs in the works. I’m wrestling to transform an outline into a first draft of a script. I’m not done watching all the online seminars and streaming theatre – both of which I’m sure will no longer be so easily accessible once we go back to business as usual. I’ve only just begun to reacquaint myself with my piano. I restocked my pantry for no less than four more baking marathons. There are projects to tackle and books to read and rooms to deep clean that all remain untouched.

During this entirely bonkers time, there have been many soft souls who have offered gentle reminders – particularly to those who fancy ourselves “artists” – to go easy on our hearts, minds and, most importantly, our expectations. We’re going through a global crisis after all and it’s ok to not feel like a creative genius at the moment. With every tweet or beautifully crafted graphic, I’d smile warmly and think, “That’s lovely, dear, and so true. But it doesn’t apply to me.” No, while everyone else was taking a breath and making room for self care and reflection, it was supposed to be my time to swoop and shine! Yet in spite of all the opportunity to take on my growing to do list the only thing I feel I truly accomplished during lockdown was getting fat – another obvious reason why I am not enthusiastic about rejoining a world that will see more of me than just what fits into a Zoom square.

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I do want the world to open up again. I miss doing things and going places. A little piece of my soul dies any time I think about a summer that might not include cruising my way down the boardwalk or bitching about the New Yorkers who are too loud and park their blankets too close. I have theatre tickets that sit idly by as the entire industry is in a state of waiting. My heart breaks for every small business owner and gig worker who doesn’t know how much longer they can stay afloat while staying closed. And, for the love of God, parents have to send their kids back to school! People need to celebrate at weddings and grieve at funerals and cheer at graduations again – these are significant human events and all of them were affected in the lives of those I love. But as others applaud every new step that we take towards normal, every announcement that something else is open, I can’t deny my deep sense of dread concerning the day we go back to a time before the world exploded. As we inch towards the end of lockdown, I am not optimistic about what we may be opening up to. I’m afraid we will have learned nothing.

Enthusiasm was never in short supply during my BC (Before Covid) days but I was always too busy and too tired to ever move beyond what I had to do in order to get to the things I wanted to do. I’d spend whole days at the office thinking about everything I would accomplish if only I could regain some time. There’s an obnoxious “be careful what you wish for” lesson in that but I’m not gonna touch it. For better or worse, now I have it. During this entire lockdown, there has been one personal constant amidst all the universal question marks – the creativity-killing pressure of “If not now, when?” The inescapable responsibility brought on by that question has left me more overwhelmed than my day job or commute ever did. For those of us lucky enough to be both healthy and free of homeschooling demands, this moment in history has given us the gift of time that we so desperately needed. But it’s a gift that came with a big mental price and the tension brought on by its volatile existence renders it almost useless. What if instead of scrambling to squeeze every ounce of opportunity from this relatively brief parenthesis, we simply chose a less demanding existence? Can we stop worshiping at the idol of busyness that keeping us slaves to our clocks and calendars? Let’s entertain the idea of free time without fear of judgement – particularly when that judgement comes from within. We shouldn’t need a pandemic-induced global shut down to feel like we have enough time to live our lives.

Now, I am the last person to have any understanding as to how to achieve balance in a very unbalanced world, but if someone is out there who has a decent grasp on the subject, I’d be happy to attend to your TED Talk. I mean really, do bloggers and essayists ever have constructive conclusions after all their musings? I read a number of them regularly but can’t seem to recall – which I guess is an answer in and of itself. If they do, I certainly haven’t earned that Insightful Solutions badge to add to my writer’s sash. I have no answers, at least none that are realistically viable or free of major explosives. Because, the truth is, I cannot see how changing an individual life would make a difference if the society we live in has, regrettably, stayed the same. And how the hell do you change an entire society? Moreover, what IS society and who’s in charge!? I’m going to pull back now before this gets weirdly existential. Some would argue that this pandemic created a “new normal” – a phrase I have come to loathe, bytheway. Unfortunately, I can’t say I agree. The barreling of the train has come to a temporary stop but as soon as we’re able we’ll just keep chugging along down the same track. What we need to do is jump the rails and head in a different direction. If a global pandemic won’t do that, I don’t know what will. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be around to find out.

How about you, do you want to return to what we’ve all conceded to life as we know it? Think real hard, ALL THE WAY BACK to three months ago. Memories are getting shorter by the day but I’m fairly certain that if we were being honest with ourselves we’d admit that life before quarantine sucked, too. Yes, it was a very different kind of shit storm than the one we’re currently experiencing, but it sure as hell didn’t include leisurely walks outside with the boyfriend or the slightest notion that I’d find time to perfect a pie crust. I still haven’t binge watched Game of Thrones but I like feeling that I could binge watch Game of Thrones. Pre-pandemic days didn’t have regular check ins with friends to see if they were ok because we just assumed that they were. There were no surprise front door deliveries of baked goods, booze or flowers to cultivate a sense of connection and share a smile. It’s been encouraging to see what is possible when we are given permission to slow down and make time for ourselves and the ones we love. Instead of rushing off to all our obligations, we’re consciously engaging with people we care about through simple pleasures like puzzles and cooking and conversation. We’re getting creative with our entertainment – by generating new outlets and adapting old ones. People are sewing again! Ok, it’s for masks, but still! Listen, I don’t want to be stuck in a world in which every moment is colored by the fear of a super-virus; where the nightly news updates the death toll stats like we’re living in a damn Suzanne Collins novel. But I also don’t think it’s too much to ask for a world that doesn’t make us choose between our lives and our livelihoods. I fear reopening because I fear returning to an existence devoid of time to enjoy and explore the life we’ve been given. As others rush to get back to their church services, restaurants reservations and business meetings, I mourn freedom and possibility and another project that will likely turn into an unfinished orphan. I don’t want to be so excited to return to the normal days that we sacrifice what could actually be better ones. We’ve gained a lot of good in this bad time – don’t let it be in vain.